Heavy

I took half a pill last night that took me into crazy dream land. I had a dream about you again. I got a package from you in the mail, it was a birthday present. It had a lovely birthday card that you had designed yourself, it was filled with color and calligraphy writing. The writing was all over the place and as I read it revealed a secret note, a map of sorts to your heart, to everything you had been feeling, to everything you wanted and needed to say to me. I woke up and languished because I knew that would never happen. I knew you would never go out of your way to do something like that for me. It makes me really sad to think how easily you gave up. It always will.

there is a chill in the air

there is a chill in the air and i cant help but think of you. it reminds me of how lonely i am without you sometimes. 

all night long.

ive been coming off like im ok...im not quite ok. i am lonely. 
this is going to sound pathetic but i just want to be with someone & them with me. i want to find that person who will love me no matter what. who wants to share their life with me. whom i can love emotionally & physically. someone who i can share common interests with, someone who makes me laugh and who i can be myself with. i really thought i had found him. i really did. its still pretty upsetting i cant even tell ya. 

and if you want something interesting...

Listen to Perturbator & LazerHawk. Mainly listen to Perturbator though. He is such an interesting musical artist. He gets me in t mood for art, for creativity. If you have any kind of creative block...give it a listen. Thank you for introducing me to his music. 

stacy through the looking glass

so the hydrocodone my mom gave me is kicking in, so is the beer i drank and also the awesome music i am listening to. 
i feel really energized right now but at the same time i feel super sleepy. i should probably eat something more than what i ate earlier just in case something happens to my tummy in the night. 
so of late my life has been stressful, not as much as some...but still...i find that i can be happy in all respects but one...LOVE...and that sucks. for real. it seems all of my endeavors at love have failed. granted i have had great experiences...for one i was in love and happy in a relationship with someone for 7 years. i still love him, i will never not love him. he was my first love, my best friend & the best lover i have had. 
recently i fell for someone i thought could be my one and only...stupid that i felt that way? not sure. it all seems so "high school" now...being that it was so short lived and so dramatic. i dont know if i put too much hope and stock into it but it didnt work...in all truth it completely imploded in on itself...and its not for my lack of trying...in all honestly i did all i could to save this relationship...he on the other hand...like most people i know...just gave up on something i thought was amazing. apparently i am not worth putting that much effort in. and that sucks. within a couple months of us being "together" i flew to chicago to be with him, had a blast and really felt like he was someone i could be naturally with. everything felt so right...he was supposed to travel to texas to see me on a couple different occasions and they both fell apart pretty quickly. i dont know. a friend told me recently that sometimes you have to test people, you have to make people jump through hoops for you and if they dont...or make excuses...then they arent worth keeping around. i guess he wasnt in the end. because even before our relationship ended he was failing miserably at making this work. i was starting to be really annoyed with his lack of responsibility. anyway. i guess i am better off in the end. i have no other choice than to be better off. and i will be. from this day forward. i just wish that things didnt end so badly. i wish it was just a matter of us being so far away that it didnt work out. but no. it is this thing that i feel is my fault, even though it isnt. its difficult to talk about. maybe some day. 
i need to focus my life. i love my job. i need to make better income though. i need to have something else on the side that brings in extra dough...though i dont have faith nor confidence in myself to actually do it. there i said it...the one thing about me that i hate. i have such low self confidence in what i have to offer...i know i can draw or whatever you call it...i think what i do is good...but i lack the motivation to get anything fucking done. i do ink work which i am proud as fuck of...i think the characters i draw are good, i think they are fun and interesting but i wonder too much what others think that it makes me think im no good. maybe so many years of someone saying my stuff was just "ok" didnt help. i dont know. we are our own worst enemies. i just need to keep up with it. i need to stop being such a slacker. i just sit in my apartment and watch tv instead of getting anything done. i need someone to push me. i need someone to make me feel important sometimes. i have friends who say such wonderful things about my work but i need the person i fucking love to say those things. the guy i was previously seeing would say such amazing things about my work, about how i looked about everything....i actually felt again like i was someone worth a damn again. that i was beautiful, that i had talent...i dont know. now i feel a little lost. i feel like that confidence is gone. i need to get that back...and not rely on some guy for it either.
ugh. ok i think ive ranted long enough. its just about time for me to sleep. and hopefully not die in my sleep. 

awesome hair. i want this so badly...

I had a dream about you

I had a dream that I got a random text from you. I dreamt you were happy to talk to me again. You said I had no idea how much you missed me. At the point in my dream where I felt secure & happy I got woken up into reality by my alarm clock. I don't know what to do. I need some sort of closure from you I guess. If you read this at all please respond. Please send me a text. Please send me a letter. Leave me a secret code. Please. Do something.

It's been one month...

It's been one month since we have spoken. Every day is getting a little easier. Bit by bit I feel myself getting stronger by what has happened. I still miss you every single day. I still think "what if?" about you...like what if this is just a stupid hurdle we have to get through. I still have hope there is a "we" in this equation when in reality you stopped thinking of "we" a while ago. I love you. I hate you.