I wish you a bloody birthday

I believe today is your birthday. I wish I could still be a part of your life & to help you celebrate. I really hope you have a great birthday in spite of everything. And if you see this...know that I think of you.

i think of you

i really do.

Hopeless

Fucking lost hope. I miss you. I miss you so much. Almost everything I watch, listen to & feel passionate about reminds me of you. It would be really nice to hear from you. I will be honest. I sometimes want to reach out to you. Call you. Text you. Mail you a letter or something I have made for you. I feel though, that I was so super supportive of you...and I fought so hard for us to stay together...that you just gave up. I know I really just need to let go of you, let go of the idea of you and of the way I felt when I was with you. You probably don't believe me but I did (maybe still do) love you. 

Blah. 

Tits

my tits are falling
straight to the ground
i can feel them falling
they used to be round
so pink and pretty
they used to be silky
nipples...itty bitty
oh god when i was twenty
my tits brought young men joy
throughout their years
in the corner, see that boy
he last saw them and ran away with tears
its a fight im losing
i wish i could be stronger
tonight ill start boozing
because im seeing them get longer.

Another old poem

Torture

The world is lonely
And so am I
As I poke this needle
In your eye
I gag and tie you to a chair
So I can shave off all your hair
I plug machinery into your brain
So I can hear you scream in pain
I see you stare with pain and fear
As blood runs red out your ear
Pins and needles penetrate your nipple
As I see your tears fall and ripple
Acid runs down your skin
A symbol of how you sin
I'm going to leave you 'til you decay
Because I'm sure you'll be attractive that way
Now I see why I do this to you
It's not for love but to kill you

Just an old poem i wrote years & years ago. 

Forgotten

this is for you. wherever you are.

that time is over i guess.

At this moment I want nothing more than to watch this movie with you...to cuddle & to hum this song while I play with your hair. 

SOS.

Even though I have worn & washed your shirts over & over again...sometimes I smell them and hope to smell you in the fibers. Somewhere deep down maybe there will be a trace of you in them. Embarrassingly enough...I just tried...and there was nothing...I just smelled a dress of mine that I showed you and you kissed me and nearly devoured me in...it didn't smell either. My heart sinks that we had such a short time together. Once again...not my choice. If you are out there. If you read this. Please respond. 

brain damage

im finally watching brain damage...and the vibe im getting from this flick is already making me think of you. why cant i stop thinking of you?

Dream

So I had this dream that you & I were at the movies. I believe it was Head by The Monkees...anyway one of my favorite scenes where Porpoise Song plays was on and you and I were cuddling and I was singing along to one of my favorite songs and I look over to the right over my shoulder and Lucien Lacroix from Forever Knight was sitting in the same theatre. He smiled at me and showed his fangs. My insides went wet and I went to him and offered him my neck. A very sad and hot dream equally.