Everything

I feel lost. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate the way I look. I hate the way my clothes fit me. I hate that I'm not connecting with my friends and loved ones. All seems just a little bit hopeless. 

Weird Baby Dream

So lately I've been pretty obsessed with Astron-6 and their films...mainly with Adam Brooks...he's so adorable. Anyway I had a dream last night where we were dating and I was pregnant with his baby! It was an awkwardly great dream. 

I love you baby.

Ugh.

Memories piss me off sometimes. Old posts show someone I used to know commenting on my stuff. Just his name pisses me off. I am trying to not focus on the bad but he was just a huge dickbag. He made me feel like I was nothing. Seeing him in any form is rough. I never want to see him again and BAM! There he is, on my Facebook. Ugh. 

There was that one time...

I MET ALEX WINTER!!!

Progress on a new piece :-)

I am personally loving this one. I can't wait to finish this!!

Pilates progress

The first day I did Pilates I also went bowling with a friend of mine and played 9 games...I feel like it was a damn fine workout :-) and yesterday I did a set of the bun and thigh workouts...I may have to skip today though :-(

Pilates

Well here I am to start documenting my Pilates progress. 

Today didn't go very well if only because my neck and upper back are still sore as hell from...something. BUT I did do the full set of bun and thigh and also about half of the ab workout. I truly hope to be able to do all of the workouts fully in about a month. 

Happy

Finally

I am finally happy! Finally amazingly, outstandingly happy! Like, sometimes I can't believe how lucky I truly am to be with someone who takes me for who I am. I see such a wonderful future with him. I guess this is all. Back to working on some stuff. This year is sure to bring good things :-)

Over...I have to get over it.

I am currently in the best relationship of my life. 
But. 
I feel I am going to ruin it with my inward jealousy. We haven't disclosed our sexual past with each other really. We both know we have had past partners but we really don't speak much about them. Sometimes he mentions them in passing and I automatically feel inadequate. I feel like they are better than me. I am mad that I got him so late in his life, in our life. I know I need to just let it go but I can't. It stems from a lot of people around me judging me...me not being pretty enough, not smart enough, skinny enough.
We both work with one of his exes and its all good...for the most part, sometimes I see a spark or this intense close moment between them and I feel badly because I don't have that connection yet. I understand that they dated for years and years, I myself dated someone for almost 7 years and I love him...I will always love him...but he never understood nor did I connect with him like I do with my partner now. His most recent ex...she just hovers over me...like she is this powerhouse gorgeous, strong woman and I am this...what...nothing. I have the lowest confidence sometimes. Sometimes you just want someone...and you want them all to yourself. I wish he didn't have a past, that we were each others first loves or something...but I know that is stupid...and unrealistic. I need to just get over it. I have to, or I just might ruin the best relationship I have ever had.