I aM oVeR tHiS sHiT.

OK here is the thing. I don't think anyone reads this goddamn thing so I'm going to let loose...I am over this shit. 

 I work at a bookstore and the customers are complete shit...not all of them mind you but fuck most of them are ignorant, dumb, racist, condescending pieces of shit. Every single day I have some asshole putting me down and making me feel about 1 inch tall. I hate them. I don't understand why people have to be so cruel. They always have some shitty thing to say. They can't just go about their day, they always have to throw a jab at you...whether it deals with us not having a book, or maybe not knowing an author that is really popular. I just hate it. Just about every single day I come home and cry. I don't know what to do. I need to search for a new job but I don't feel like I have many skills to actually get a new job. 

My goddamn self confidence is so low right now. I am trying to work on myself a lot but I think its time I find a therapist. I obviously can't fix myself maybe someone can help me. A lot of nights I just feel so awful. I hate my body. I hate my mind. I hate how stupid I am. I just feel so lost and ugly all of the time. My boyfriend and I go walking pretty much every night and I have started to sort of jog and I have also started cooking for myself. I don't want to keep eating fried chicken and fast food. I mean I do because its so damn good but I can't anymore if I want to look better and feel better. I weirdly look for value in other people. If my boyfriend doesn't compliment me or if I feel inferior intellectually I just shut down. I just don't know. 

I feel like my boyfriend and I aren't connecting. I feel like I am losing him. I cry all of the time. Because I cry I think my boyfriend loses sexual attraction to me. I think he loves a strong sexy in charge woman and I am just not that. I think I used to be but sometimes I lose myself when I am in relationships and I don't know how to become my own person again. 

My art is super suffering. When the world shut down I was furloughed from my job and I had a whole lot of free time to work on whatever I wanted and while I did make some stuff overall I feel like I didn't accomplish a lot. I could've done more. Since being back at work my progress has pretty much stopped and come end of July it will be a year and what do I have to show? Fucking nothing. I feel so useless. I contribute to assholes all day long, giving all of my energy and nothing to show for it. 

I just feel so weird and lost right now.