Trying

I am tired of trying to grab your attention. I dance around this house to cheesy music. I think I look cute. Nothing ever works. I get my confidence up and still nothing. You don't give me attention. I don't know what else to do besides just go about my own fucking business and watch what I want to watch and do what I want to do. 

 

So Ghoulies II it is. You just can't go wrong with those little fuckers and you can't go wrong with Royal Dano either. I watched the first Ghoulies not long ago and it wasn't that great. Ghoulies II is just the better film. The puppets are better, the deaths are...deaths...like people actually die in this. Royal is amazing in it, and so is  Phil Fondacaro. I used to watch this crap all the time and its such a joy to know that the magic is still there.

I aM oVeR tHiS sHiT.

OK here is the thing. I don't think anyone reads this goddamn thing so I'm going to let loose...I am over this shit. 

 I work at a bookstore and the customers are complete shit...not all of them mind you but fuck most of them are ignorant, dumb, racist, condescending pieces of shit. Every single day I have some asshole putting me down and making me feel about 1 inch tall. I hate them. I don't understand why people have to be so cruel. They always have some shitty thing to say. They can't just go about their day, they always have to throw a jab at you...whether it deals with us not having a book, or maybe not knowing an author that is really popular. I just hate it. Just about every single day I come home and cry. I don't know what to do. I need to search for a new job but I don't feel like I have many skills to actually get a new job. 

My goddamn self confidence is so low right now. I am trying to work on myself a lot but I think its time I find a therapist. I obviously can't fix myself maybe someone can help me. A lot of nights I just feel so awful. I hate my body. I hate my mind. I hate how stupid I am. I just feel so lost and ugly all of the time. My boyfriend and I go walking pretty much every night and I have started to sort of jog and I have also started cooking for myself. I don't want to keep eating fried chicken and fast food. I mean I do because its so damn good but I can't anymore if I want to look better and feel better. I weirdly look for value in other people. If my boyfriend doesn't compliment me or if I feel inferior intellectually I just shut down. I just don't know. 

I feel like my boyfriend and I aren't connecting. I feel like I am losing him. I cry all of the time. Because I cry I think my boyfriend loses sexual attraction to me. I think he loves a strong sexy in charge woman and I am just not that. I think I used to be but sometimes I lose myself when I am in relationships and I don't know how to become my own person again. 

My art is super suffering. When the world shut down I was furloughed from my job and I had a whole lot of free time to work on whatever I wanted and while I did make some stuff overall I feel like I didn't accomplish a lot. I could've done more. Since being back at work my progress has pretty much stopped and come end of July it will be a year and what do I have to show? Fucking nothing. I feel so useless. I contribute to assholes all day long, giving all of my energy and nothing to show for it. 

I just feel so weird and lost right now.