BLAH

So I dyed my hair yesterday...and I really like it...it's this copper color and I think I look really pretty with it. I feel fiery. On the outside I look pretty but on the inside I still feel pretty dead inside. 

 

Last night my bf and his mom got into a pretty aggressive fight and all I could hear was his yelling and I hate it. 

 

When we moved his mother into our house it looked like her health was declining quickly and now there seems to be no end in sight. I know it's taking a toll on him and I know it's taking a toll on me...I can feel my insides rotting away from sadness and stress. 

 

I am currently watching The Vampire Diaries and when it's on I feel OK...I remember watching it with a good friend and us howling at how cheesy it was but also how hot and fun it was. 

 

I wish I was a vampire. I wish someone would come in and rescue me. I just don't know what to do, I don't know what to think most days. 

 

I just wish there was something else I could do...some way to help him out of this hellhole. I am worried that this experience with him having to put his life on hold for the past 5 or 6 years is going to stay with him forever. I am worried that he won't ever recover from this whole thing. I don't know how it's going to affect our relationship. I sometimes am afraid of him, afraid of his anger. I wonder if the way he acts around his mother will some day be how he acts around me. 

I am really trying to be better, to be happier. To be content with myself. So last night I tried doing some leg lifts and toning exercises. I know it won't be an easy journey but I am home all of the fucking time and I have to start being OK with myself before I can be OK with anyone else. I can't be relying on him or anyone else for my own personal happiness. I have to rely on myself and fuck me that's going to be a goddamn journey. 

And here we go.

I’m a short, fat slut…

 I guess I’ll be using this journal for overall journaling and also a way to promote my artwork. So here is Judy from Sleepaway Camp…the slut! I don’t care if that word annoys anyone…that’s her character. I guess she’s more of a slut - bitch…anyway…

I THINK I'M GOING INSANE

so an incident just happened. 

and let me preface this by saying i know that my boyfriend has to deal with a senile, dying mother...i understand that he might get agitated by something i say or do because it reminds him of his mother. i get that...but goddammit i am so tired of having to deal with the after effects. 

 

ok so the incident. we are trying to find an old blog of mine, one that might be attached to an old email...im not sure...this is the journey we are on...anyway he asks me what email mightve been associated with this blog and this blog of mine was started when i was still living in my hometown which woulda made it in the early 2000's, maybe 2003...i didnt have google...i dont even think i had yahoo...so the only thing it coulda been logically was aol...like i said this was a long time ago...but i wanted to be sure so i mentioned both of those emails...yahoo and aol...and the start of me mentioning two emails just bothered my boyfriend...like i could visibly see his frustration and i just dont understand why me doing that could aggravate him so much. so i ask, and he says because i didnt just answer the question...and this is a problem we have been dealing with for a really long time. its just something that gets under his skin...and i try but goddammit why cant he just be a little chill about it? he also uses analogies or metaphors...i dont know which is correct...but he just cant tell me a thing without it being something else. i dont even know if that makes sense but i fucking hate it. it makes me feel about 1 inch tall. it makes me want to regress back into myself so badly. i feel like im in trouble and i hate it. i hate it so much. if i bring it up to him he will tell me to just answer his question and this wouldnt be an issue. it just doesnt sit well with me. 

 

i was in an abusive relationship for a while and i know i have PTSD from it. i am probably too sensitive, i am probably triggered really easily...

but i just feel like he wouldn want to be treated the way he treats me or the way he says things, he wouldnt like me talking to him that way.

I just want to be in a happy place again and i just dont think im gonna get there. im talking to a therapist and she keeps recommending antidepressants and honestly im about really to inquire...anything to not feel this sad every day. i feel worthless, ugly, stupid, incompetent, angry, resentful, useless...all of the negative things.

 

 

DEADLY DINKS

https://www.etsy.com/shop/DeadlyDinks

THIS IS MY SHOPPE YO!  

IT'S ALL HANDMADE SHRINK PLASTIC ART / JEWELRY AND IF YOU STUMBLE ACROSS THIS BLOG AND YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO LIKES HORROR JEWELRY WELL FUCK, GIVE THEM THAT LINK BECAUSE I MAKE GREAT SHRINK PLASTIC STUFF AND I'LL MAKE YA LOOK SUPER COOL AND SEXY IN PLASTIC JEWELRY!!!

SO DANG LONG

OH MY GOD DO YALL EVEN REALIZE HOW LONG ITS BEEN SINCE IVE WRITTEN IN THIS BLOG?!? SO GODDAMN LONG. 

I dont even know if i have anything intelligent or awesome to say but i used to love writing in blogs. i just discovered one blog i used to write in all the time was recently deleted and i lost all of my entries...i guess thats ok, no need to rest in the past. i recently started doing online therapy and i guess its ok...i dont feel better though, i did for a minute, family put me in a funk with callings of my body fat. my self esteem is super low, i have gained so much weight over the past few months. a lot of late night eating. a lot of stress eating. oof. i just have no idea what im even doing in this life anymore. 

ok so lets get everyone updated...

my boyfriend and i made this huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge decision to move to another state and not just one a hop jump and skip over, no, multiple states over...like the pacific north west...oregon to be specific and fuck me that was a very emotional decision for me. everything i know and love is in texas...texas is fucked to be sure and i dont feel very safe here but its still the place ive called home for my whole life and to just pick up and leave was a huge stress. to be away from my mom...yikes...but we made the decision and we packed up most of our belongings and threw them into a storage container and now our house is empty and my stuff, stuff ive collected for so long is just locked up safely (i assume) in a pod. 

we were set up to leave in september but my mother in law fell in her apartment and broke her elbow and her hip and while she has recovered from those injuries shes just able to travel at all...so we are stuck here in texas longer and longer and longer and now she lives with us and her two cats also live with us and its just been a whole fucking mess. shes basically on hospice and dying in our upstairs guest room, her cats are locked upstairs as well because one of her cats is a major asshole and is super aggressive and he cant be around our two cats because he will attack and hurt them. fuck, less than a week of them living here and i end up in a hospital because my cat, being so scared and freaked out about her cat, attacked my left hand and i got such an insane bacterial infection that i ended up having to be in the hospital and have surgery for it. im still dealing with this bullshit and i hate it. im disfigured. 

i also quit my job of 16 years at the bookstore which to be fair i was starting to hate...but now i am without a job, without steady income, and having to pay an assload of money for insurance that isnt even that great. i am lost and confused. i ahve applied for a few library positions but have failed my interviews so im just waiting for more to become available and see if maybe one of them wants to take a chance on me. 

my relationship is strained. i feel so much negativity in this house and in my life and i just dont know what to do anymore. 

i miss my friends. 

i miss being happy.