BLAH

So I dyed my hair yesterday...and I really like it...it's this copper color and I think I look really pretty with it. I feel fiery. On the outside I look pretty but on the inside I still feel pretty dead inside. 

 

Last night my bf and his mom got into a pretty aggressive fight and all I could hear was his yelling and I hate it. 

 

When we moved his mother into our house it looked like her health was declining quickly and now there seems to be no end in sight. I know it's taking a toll on him and I know it's taking a toll on me...I can feel my insides rotting away from sadness and stress. 

 

I am currently watching The Vampire Diaries and when it's on I feel OK...I remember watching it with a good friend and us howling at how cheesy it was but also how hot and fun it was. 

 

I wish I was a vampire. I wish someone would come in and rescue me. I just don't know what to do, I don't know what to think most days. 

 

I just wish there was something else I could do...some way to help him out of this hellhole. I am worried that this experience with him having to put his life on hold for the past 5 or 6 years is going to stay with him forever. I am worried that he won't ever recover from this whole thing. I don't know how it's going to affect our relationship. I sometimes am afraid of him, afraid of his anger. I wonder if the way he acts around his mother will some day be how he acts around me. 

I am really trying to be better, to be happier. To be content with myself. So last night I tried doing some leg lifts and toning exercises. I know it won't be an easy journey but I am home all of the fucking time and I have to start being OK with myself before I can be OK with anyone else. I can't be relying on him or anyone else for my own personal happiness. I have to rely on myself and fuck me that's going to be a goddamn journey. 

And here we go.