I THINK I'M GOING INSANE

so an incident just happened. 

and let me preface this by saying i know that my boyfriend has to deal with a senile, dying mother...i understand that he might get agitated by something i say or do because it reminds him of his mother. i get that...but goddammit i am so tired of having to deal with the after effects. 

 

ok so the incident. we are trying to find an old blog of mine, one that might be attached to an old email...im not sure...this is the journey we are on...anyway he asks me what email mightve been associated with this blog and this blog of mine was started when i was still living in my hometown which woulda made it in the early 2000's, maybe 2003...i didnt have google...i dont even think i had yahoo...so the only thing it coulda been logically was aol...like i said this was a long time ago...but i wanted to be sure so i mentioned both of those emails...yahoo and aol...and the start of me mentioning two emails just bothered my boyfriend...like i could visibly see his frustration and i just dont understand why me doing that could aggravate him so much. so i ask, and he says because i didnt just answer the question...and this is a problem we have been dealing with for a really long time. its just something that gets under his skin...and i try but goddammit why cant he just be a little chill about it? he also uses analogies or metaphors...i dont know which is correct...but he just cant tell me a thing without it being something else. i dont even know if that makes sense but i fucking hate it. it makes me feel about 1 inch tall. it makes me want to regress back into myself so badly. i feel like im in trouble and i hate it. i hate it so much. if i bring it up to him he will tell me to just answer his question and this wouldnt be an issue. it just doesnt sit well with me. 

 

i was in an abusive relationship for a while and i know i have PTSD from it. i am probably too sensitive, i am probably triggered really easily...

but i just feel like he wouldn want to be treated the way he treats me or the way he says things, he wouldnt like me talking to him that way.

I just want to be in a happy place again and i just dont think im gonna get there. im talking to a therapist and she keeps recommending antidepressants and honestly im about really to inquire...anything to not feel this sad every day. i feel worthless, ugly, stupid, incompetent, angry, resentful, useless...all of the negative things.