SO DANG LONG

OH MY GOD DO YALL EVEN REALIZE HOW LONG ITS BEEN SINCE IVE WRITTEN IN THIS BLOG?!? SO GODDAMN LONG. 

I dont even know if i have anything intelligent or awesome to say but i used to love writing in blogs. i just discovered one blog i used to write in all the time was recently deleted and i lost all of my entries...i guess thats ok, no need to rest in the past. i recently started doing online therapy and i guess its ok...i dont feel better though, i did for a minute, family put me in a funk with callings of my body fat. my self esteem is super low, i have gained so much weight over the past few months. a lot of late night eating. a lot of stress eating. oof. i just have no idea what im even doing in this life anymore. 

ok so lets get everyone updated...

my boyfriend and i made this huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge decision to move to another state and not just one a hop jump and skip over, no, multiple states over...like the pacific north west...oregon to be specific and fuck me that was a very emotional decision for me. everything i know and love is in texas...texas is fucked to be sure and i dont feel very safe here but its still the place ive called home for my whole life and to just pick up and leave was a huge stress. to be away from my mom...yikes...but we made the decision and we packed up most of our belongings and threw them into a storage container and now our house is empty and my stuff, stuff ive collected for so long is just locked up safely (i assume) in a pod. 

we were set up to leave in september but my mother in law fell in her apartment and broke her elbow and her hip and while she has recovered from those injuries shes just able to travel at all...so we are stuck here in texas longer and longer and longer and now she lives with us and her two cats also live with us and its just been a whole fucking mess. shes basically on hospice and dying in our upstairs guest room, her cats are locked upstairs as well because one of her cats is a major asshole and is super aggressive and he cant be around our two cats because he will attack and hurt them. fuck, less than a week of them living here and i end up in a hospital because my cat, being so scared and freaked out about her cat, attacked my left hand and i got such an insane bacterial infection that i ended up having to be in the hospital and have surgery for it. im still dealing with this bullshit and i hate it. im disfigured. 

i also quit my job of 16 years at the bookstore which to be fair i was starting to hate...but now i am without a job, without steady income, and having to pay an assload of money for insurance that isnt even that great. i am lost and confused. i ahve applied for a few library positions but have failed my interviews so im just waiting for more to become available and see if maybe one of them wants to take a chance on me. 

my relationship is strained. i feel so much negativity in this house and in my life and i just dont know what to do anymore. 

i miss my friends. 

i miss being happy.